At church the other night our Pastor was talking about how much God loves us…About how hard it is for us to sometimes accept just how much He REALLY loves us! I mean we all know that God loves everyone else..but us..naawww. Cause if He really knew who we were…He couldn’t possibly love us.
My mind began to wander..wander to a time that I hate to remember sometimes. Remembering how much I used to hate God…IF there really even was one. I was so oppressed by my own guilt, my own sinfulness and the sinfulness of others that there was just no way that I could let anyone near my heart..especially not some God!
I don’t know where it came from .. this hate of God. When I was growing up my family always scoffed about “God”. They would be sarcastic, use his name when they swore and sometimes even out right say negative things about “those” that used God as a crutch. I knew there must be something wrong with this God.
When I was young my life went from bad to worse, when my parents divorced and a life of alcoholism began to drown my Mom and then me as I grew up …I knew then what they were talking about… and I began to hate God too.
I blamed everyone for my problems for many years…being a victim and hating others for it.
Until I came to the end of myself.
Many of you know that I am a recovering alcoholic..for 29 year now! Well by the time I went to treatment I was a late stage acute chronic alcoholic. I was a mess in other words. When I finally got to an alcohol treatment center, I was miserable. The LAST thing that I wanted to see written on the walls were those twelve steps…actually the 12 steps didn’t bother me..
What bothered me was the word GOD
I was told I could make up my very own god, one that made sense to me. I was told it could even be a door knob. Really..Umm I’m a little more intelligent than that..I thought. So I made up this god. I thought a lot about it…and decided that IF I were to have my very own god, that this is what he would look like…
- He would forgive me for everything I had ever done, which was soooo much and sooo wrong.
- He would LOVE me NO MATTER WHAT!
- He would understand my heart and my mind…you know…he would KNOW me
- He would accept me for just who I am
Do any of those sound familiar to you? HA We are all more alike than we think we are.
I won’t go into details about how I met the True and Living God…because it’s kind of a long story, but I can tell you that what I found out was this god that I had made up, that I had longed for..this imaginary god that loved me no matter what…
REALLY IS GOD!!
As my mind continued to wander, Pastor talked on…I thought about how much God loved me..how He pursued me..even in my most weakest worse time. Even though I hated Him…
He pursued me…because He first loved me..even while I was yet a sinner..
Yes I know how much God loves me…more than I deserve….
More than we all deserve…
How about you…do YOU know how much God loves YOU?